Dedicated to Joe- My friend who gets it.

Hey Tiff,
I couldn't help but notice that you do this really strange thing, where you store food in a freezer, okay, this is a new one to me, but I guess to each their own. Anyway, I was wondering if I might be able to buy some of the food in your freezer. I was really hungry, and instead of going to a store, or even a restaurant, I wondering if I could just buy food from you that is in your freezer. I am really hungry, so I am contacting you the quickest way I know how, over the Internet. Also, I was wondering if I could rent one of your glasses in the cabinet, see, I like to consume fluids with my meals, and I saw you had some glasses that you weren't using at this very minute, so it's pretty clear you would want to rent them. I was thinking I would rent the glass for about 3 hours, in case I get thirsty again after I eat. Do you have an hourly rate schedule for your glasses? Oh, I'll probably want to rent some silverware too, you know to eat the food, I just figure if it's in the drawer, and your not using it, it too is probably for rent. Perhaps we can work out a discount since I will be renting both a glass and silverware?

Now that I think about it, I'm going to want to brush my teeth after I eat, since you are not using your tooth brush right now, can I rent that too. I'll only need it for like 3 minutes, can I rent by the minute? I'll also need to buy about a table spoon of toothpaste. Hey, is that a roll of toilet paper over there? It's just sitting there, like that food in your freezer, aren't you going to use it? Since you aren't using it, I guess that means it's for sale, right? I mean, why else would you keep something in the house that you are not using this very minute? Geeze Tiff, you are making it so difficult, all this stuff you keep around, but don't use right away. Well, can I buy, like, I don't know, 30 squares of toilet paper? Do you sell by the square, or by the foot? You know what, just bill me for 30 squares of toilet paper, 8 swipes of roll-on deodorant, a table spoon of toothpaste, 2 table spoons of shampoo, bill me for the soap I used however you want, 3 minutes with your toothbrush, and, I'm guessing about 15 gallons of water. I'll try to shower by candle light to not run up the power bill, even though you are clearly NOT using the lights in your bathroom right now.

Please respond promptly, as I am hungry and in need of a shower. I don't know why you wouldn't since you are not using any of the things I asked to use/buy from you. You know you are really lucky to have a friend like me who asks to use your stuff before I do, even if it's pretty clear you are not using it. I honestly don't know why I tolerate you just letting all of the stuff you don't use sit around going all unused.

Oh, and just so you don't go hearing this from someone else, I used a couple of your bras as water balloon sling shots, and to sling shot horse feces at cars driving by on Iowa. I put your bras back where I found them when I was done, so you probably wouldn't have even noticed, but since I am such a great friend I thought I would tell you I used them, even though you weren't using them at the time, I mean they were just sitting there in a drawer. Seriously, why would you just leave undergarments sitting in a drawer, who does that?!?!? So, in regards to me telling you I borrowed something of yours (seriously, those bras were JUST SITTING THERE), uh your welcome. Seriously, if you get mad about this, you are just a stupid head. You really are lucky I put up with you.

Your best bud,
Joe